Anxiety consumes me.

Have you ever felt so anxious that you couldn’t breathe? That you couldn’t eat or sleep? Like there’s a 10 pound weight on your chest? I don’t know what triggers it exactly, usually feeling really insecure, but it’s happened for as long as I can remember. It can be extremely debilitating, some days more than others. It ruins plans, dates, trips. When it hits I feel like I can’t move, I almost always cancel plans and stay in bed. I wish I could control it, or atleast avoid the cause completely, but I’m stuck… can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t eat… Unless I get really really lucky and anxiety decides not to visit that day; or slightly less lucky, and it’s mild enough that I can somewhat ignore it.

Relationships are hard…

The one thing I think everyone (including myself) has yet to learn is that relationships are hard. I’ve had a pretty rough last few days with my SO, and I have to tell you that it takes a lot out of me. My philosophy has always been that you can’t let them see how much the situation is really bothering you, even if it is a lot; and I know that’s terrible advice but if I don’t act invincible then is he really going to take me seriously?

I guess I’m still learning is that if I don’t tell him how I’m feeling there’s no way for him to know; he’s not a mind reader & neither am I. However what I’m struggling with is the part where I actually tell him how I’m feeling, and let’s be honest sometimes he doesn’t want to hear it so I don’t get to; and that’s what’s so hard for me. When he just shuts me down why would I want to continue to try to explain how he’s making me feel? I’m terrible at hiding my feelings… so when I don’t get to share what I feel it slowly eats me alive.

I mean, I like to believe that I’m tough and nobody can hurt me but realistically I wear my heart on my sleeve and it be a blessing or a curse, depending on the situation I’m in. I guess I just have to figure out when it’s time to cage my heart and when it’s time to use it. Balance, communication and trust are key to make this all work out for me, and it looks like I’ve got two out of three down. That’s good though, right?

A little social anxiety anyone?

Have you ever been talking to a family member, friend, or even someone you just met and said something you instantly regret? Don’t even try to deny it, everyone has! Believe me, being an anxious person will make that situation 10x worse, because once you’ve stopped your embarrassing word vomit your brain kicks in like “Oh, man… you shouldn’t have said that. They’re never going to forget it” when realistically they probably already have. Not to mention when you say something that gets you “the look”, or when they flat out tell you “you don’t ever discuss that with anyone” and instantly see you a little bit differently. Like, f**k… I messed up man. Now I’m going to go home and think about it non stop until I forget about it (only for something to bring up the memory again later and you get to think about it all over again). So really all you can do is wait until you see them again and hope that they’ve forgotten or don’t care and hopefully they’ll talk to you, or just avoid them totally; I mean that seems to work pretty well too!