happiness is 🔑

Whoa, I just realized recently how long it’s been since I’ve written here or given you guys any kind of update! A lot of things have changed in my life this year, and I mean a lot. They have all been an incredibly positive changes though, thank goodness!

Anyways, I think the last thing I was updating you guys on was my fitness journey, and I’m very happy to announce that I HAVE KICKED ASS 😉 So, I started this trek on January 2nd, weighing 182 pounds (I’m so not proud of that) and as of today, April 17th, I weigh in at a whopping 164 pounds!!!!! That’s a whole 18 pounds people, and that means there’s only 9 pounds until I reach my goal weight! *mind blown* I didn’t think it was something I would ever accomplish, but once I got rid of everything in my life that was making me unhappy the weight has been literally melting off.

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On top of losing all this weight (right before summer I might add), I’ve got a new place with one of my best friends and we’re having a blast together, I have so many trips planned for this year(!), I’ve got an amazing man who shows me my worth 100 times over every single day, and I started going to school again (I mean sometimes I regret that one but it’s positive too, right?)!

I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned in the short 4 months we’ve been in this year is that if you don’t like it, DROP IT. Believe me, I know its a million times easier said than done, and it’s scary as hell but the outcome is absolutely worth it. It’s like taking a 100lb weight off your shoulders and being able to breathe again. If you’re not happy, CHANGE IT… your happiness comes from within yourself, not anything or anyone else!

An open letter…

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*originally posted on my MTS page*

To the dad who left me:

The last memory I have of you is from when I was in 2nd grade, well over 12 years ago now. You were a terrible husband to my mother and a terrible father to me. You left me alone at night to cry on my own while mom worked, unable to fend for myself; you would even close the bedroom door just so that you couldn’t hear me. Was I really that much of a burden? Growing up I always wondered what it takes for a person to be so evil to the people he supposedly loved so much, and for a short time mom even let me talk to you through her email; although back then I hadn’t the slightest clue who you really were. For some reason though I still had the urge to know you, maybe someday you’d want to be apart of our lives again.

Leaving a little girl the way you did really takes a toll, she needs her father. She needs him to help shape her whole life and who she is… he’s her roll model for future relationships, a shoulder to cry on, someone to teach her how to ride a bike and eventually drive a car.

Now I’m 20 years old, now I know who you really are and everything you did back then. Now I want no part of you (unfortunately I have no choice with that one), I don’t want you anywhere near my world or my life and quite honestly if I ever saw you again you would 100% regret trying to come around us, even though I don’t really know what you look like. You don’t deserve a piece of me, or any part of my life; but don’t worry you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want one anyways.

To the dad who kept me:

You came into my life because of your relationship with mom, and you took me in when you didn’t have to. I wasn’t the most grateful kid, and I know it was harder to raise me because I wasn’t yours; but you loved me the same anyways. You came along and taught me the things a girl needs to know… you showed me how to ride a bike, how to drive, how to change the oil in my car / change a tire and how to never take anything from a man (with moms help of course).  You’re always there for me when I don’t have anywhere else to go, and you’re always there to listen when nobody else wants to; no matter how much I “don’t want to talk about it”.

You’ve been around since I was about four years old, and taken the time to raise me like I was your own. You always push me to be the best I can be, and convince me to do whatever’s going to benefit me most in the end. I know I wasn’t always the most affectionate kid, but now I’m 20 years old and I can appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me and still do for me today.

You came into my life over 16 years go now, you stayed and raised / loved me as your own even though you didn’t have to. You came in and picked up someone else’s slack, even though you didn’t have to. You’re the only father figure I’ve ever actually had in my life and I know I don’t say it enough but I truly appreciate your love, support, time and all that you’ve taught me. You’re more than just my step-father… you’re my dad.

Hello December💖

I can’t believe it’s already December, where did this year go? I think I blinked back in January and here we are! Thanksgiving blew by, Christmas is now only a few weeks away with New Years not far behind. For me December is by far the best month of the whole year (besides August because that’s my birth month of course). All the Christmas trees & lights go up, all the families come together to celebrate and the rain comes to top it all off; I just love it all so much! Also, this is the first year I’ve actually lived in the middle of town and get to enjoy all the decorations everyone will be putting up this week💖

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Not to mention the fact that I have way more clothes for winter weather than I do for summer weather (it’s a million times easier to warm up than it is to cool down). Especially scarves, I honestly have more than I know what to do with! But I always see them in stores and can’t resist the colors / patterns I find. They’re definitely my winter weakness, along with boots & booties!! Layering up in the winter has to be the happiest thing in the world to me; you can’t cuddle up by the Xmas tree w/ hot cocoa, cuddles & movies in the summer time! I mean, you probably could but you know what I mean.

Anyways, 2016 was easily the best year I’ve had since I was little. I was blessed with the best man I’ve ever been with, we were able to move out on our own & I finally got out of the job that was making me miserable for so long and moved up to something 100x better. This year was truly great for me, and my life improved 100%; I went from a nervous anxious wreck to an actual human being living with her SO and working an actual 8-5 job! Amazing things can happen in only a year, so don’t ever give up!

Anxiety consumes me.

Have you ever felt so anxious that you couldn’t breathe? That you couldn’t eat or sleep? Like there’s a 10 pound weight on your chest? I don’t know what triggers it exactly, usually feeling really insecure, but it’s happened for as long as I can remember. It can be extremely debilitating, some days more than others. It ruins plans, dates, trips. When it hits I feel like I can’t move, I almost always cancel plans and stay in bed. I wish I could control it, or atleast avoid the cause completely, but I’m stuck… can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t eat… Unless I get really really lucky and anxiety decides not to visit that day; or slightly less lucky, and it’s mild enough that I can somewhat ignore it.

Stressed out

The Holidays are upon us, and I can’t even explain to you how much joy, excitement and stress I have bottled up inside me right now. There’s only one week exactly until Thanksgiving is here with all the yummy food and family time! And only one week and one day until I can decorate my house for CHRISTMAS (if it were socially acceptable I would totally already have it done by now)!! But the one thing that always plagues my holiday season is stressing out over money; every single year this happens to me. I feel like I don’t get to fully enjoy my holiday until Christmas Eve when all my shopping is done, the bills are paid and I’m giving people their gifts and looking at the smiles on their faces (which, by the way, is the only good part about all of the stress). Money is something that I’ve always been constantly stressed out about, and I don’t know how not to be. My whole life is lived on a budget (yes, I understand that that’s usually how your 20’s go) and I feel that I budget pretty well, but it would be so nice to be able to buy the things I actually want to get for the people I love AND be able to pay all my bills, rather than having to buy a cheaper alternative. Now, I know that family doesn’t really care about the gift itself rather than the thought that you’ve put into it, but I would really love to be able to give them all the things they deserve and more without having to worry about whether or not I’ll be able to buy groceries when I’m finished.

A little social anxiety anyone?

Have you ever been talking to a family member, friend, or even someone you just met and said something you instantly regret? Don’t even try to deny it, everyone has! Believe me, being an anxious person will make that situation 10x worse, because once you’ve stopped your embarrassing word vomit your brain kicks in like “Oh, man… you shouldn’t have said that. They’re never going to forget it” when realistically they probably already have. Not to mention when you say something that gets you “the look”, or when they flat out tell you “you don’t ever discuss that with anyone” and instantly see you a little bit differently. Like, f**k… I messed up man. Now I’m going to go home and think about it non stop until I forget about it (only for something to bring up the memory again later and you get to think about it all over again). So really all you can do is wait until you see them again and hope that they’ve forgotten or don’t care and hopefully they’ll talk to you, or just avoid them totally; I mean that seems to work pretty well too!